Someone I Know Needs Help

How you can help someone who’s being abused

When you know or suspect someone is living in an abusive situation, it can be difficult to know how to help. You may not know how to start such a difficult conversation, or how to find resources. But doing something is vital. Here’s what you can do to help someone experiencing abuse.

Learn More About Abuse

One of the best things you can do to help people you’re concerned about is to become informed about gender-based violence and options for help. 

Abuse comes in many forms, and it can happen in all types of relationships. Knowing what abuse looks like is key to being able to confidently have a conversation with someone about their situation.

Additionally, doing some research on how to talk with someone who’s being abused will be helpful. These are difficult conversations, and it’s important to know how to approach them to ensure you are helpful and understanding.

Talk With Them—And Listen

People living with abuse often feel a great deal of shame about their situation, in addition to fear and a lack of self-confidence. So when you talk with them about what’s going on, it’s important to do so gently, without any judgement. 

You may want to start the conversation with a gentle observation, like: “I noticed you flinched when I gestured toward you just now—has something happened? You can talk to me.” Or you may want to simply state what you’re seeing and your concern—for example: “I noticed you usually ask your partner for permission to spend money on everyday things, and I’m worried about that.”

Throughout your conversations, always consider their perspective and communicate with compassion. There are many reasons people stay in abusive situations. If you can understand where they’re coming from and why they’re afraid or hesitant to leave, you may be able to alleviate their concerns—and that can help them feel ready to take the first steps toward a life free of violence.

Above all, be a constant source of support. They need you to be there for them, no matter how long it takes.

Point Them to Resources

There are a wide range of resources available if someone you know needs help. Our blog about gender-based violence is a good place to start, because it outlines different types of abuse. 

It’s also a good idea to provide the number to a crisis line, such as Ernestine’s 24/7 Crisis Line, which can be reached at 416-746-3701 ext. 0, or TTY 416-746-3716. When someone calls us, they’ll be speaking with a trained counsellor who will listen. We can provide important information on how to be safe and resources for any immediate needs. 

If the person you’re concerned for is not in our area, the Assaulted Women’s Hotline also offers 24/7 crisis support across Ontario. They can be reached by phone or text at the following numbers: 

416-863-0511 (GTA)
1-866-863-0511 (toll free)
1-866-863-7868 (toll free TTY)
Text #7233

Help Them Cover Their Digital Tracks

When someone is experiencing abuse and accessing resources or support (even from a friend) online, over text or by phone, it’s important for them to know how to cover their tracks. 

Abusers are increasingly tech-savvy, using spyware to monitor activity across digital devices. So, people experiencing abuse need to know how to get around that. 

Here’s advice you can offer, so they can access abuse resources and communicate about their situation more safely.

Online:

• Use Incognito or Private mode so you cannot be tracked as easily and so information about the sites you visit does not get stored

• Delete your browser history and cache

• If your abuser knows you’ll be online, do access another website (e.g., news, blog, social media) to create a browsing history that’s typical for you

Phone:

• Delete any text messages, phone and video call logs, and DMs through social media or other apps about abuse

• Check your phone for spyware, and if you find any, never use the device for any research or communication about your abuse

Email and Social Media:

• Delete any incoming and outgoing messages about abuse, including emptying trash folders

• If you have accounts your abuser does not have access to, change your passwords regularly and never save the passwords to a device

• If you receive threatening messages, print and hide them; many printers have a memory, so turn it off and unplug it for one minute to erase it

• Do not accept friend requests unless you’re expecting one

• Do not open messages from anyone you don’t know, and never click on suspicious links

• Watch for unusual language or content that might suggest a friend has been hacked

Use Workplace Devices:

• If there’s no way your abuser can access your work computer, tablet or phone, it can be a safer option for accessing resources or communicating with anyone about your situation

“Abuse comes in many forms, and it can happen in all types of relationships. Knowing what abuse looks like is key to being able to confidently have a conversation with someone about their situation.”

Suggest Creating a Safety Plan

A safety plan plays an important role in helping people reduce risks when they are living with abuse.

At its core, a safety plan includes: 

• key contacts to help people in crisis, including an emergency shelter like Ernestine’s, crisis lines, trusted friends and family

• information on how to improve your safety while living with abuse—like covering your digital tracks, being aware of trackers on your vehicle, understanding your abuser’s triggers, awareness of any weapons in the home, and more

• an emergency plan for leaving, including reasons for going out, emergency exits in your home, what to take with you (if you can)

• what to pack in a hidden “go bag”

• critical documentation that it’s important to have a copy of (birth certificates, marriage license, citizenship and immigration documents, passports, etc.)—ideally hidden outside your home or in cloud storage unknown and inaccessible to your abuser

The Peel Committee Against Women Abuse has a comprehensive guide for creating a safety plan, with versions available in several languages. Note: If you are sharing this with someone who needs help, please ensure you and they are following the digital safety tips above.

With your support, the person you’re concerned about can get the help they need. In the meantime, if you are ever concerned that the situation has escalated to an emergency, do not hesitate to call 9-1-1.